When you start practicing Daygame, it is all new territory. You may have read a tonne of theory, so you’ll have memorised the standard responses to certain situations, but until you actually put yourself in that specific situation it doesn’t mean shit.
When it comes to learning Daygame, many people think that the question that weeds out the men from the boys is whether a guy can make himself approach or not. And this is true. A lot of guys come and go because they find that they’re unable to ever make themselves do that first approach.
This inevitably leads a guy to a Cypher-like existence but with the knowledge that if he had just a little more willpower, he could be living a life of abundance with beautiful women. If you haven’t crossed this threshold yet, read this post and this post. Don’t be the guy who lives with regret for your whole life, because living like a sheep with a fat, ugly, old wife or girlfriend won’t be a life of fulfilment.
However, once this obstacle is surmounted and you find yourself walking the streets talking to hot girls, you eventually come to the point where you start trying to number close or instadate them. This is another make-or-break moment where you just have to grab your balls and do it but, as with the approach, once you’ve done it the first time, it’s not that much of a big deal thereafter.
If your game was tight or she just liked you anyway, it will go smoothly. She’ll come with you for coffee or she will agree to go on a date with you a few days later.
What about if it didn’t go so well? She gives you a boyfriend excuse or says “it was nice talking to you” and leaves. Or maybe, you do actually get her number but after you send your initial feeler text, you don’t get a reply.
Lack of Control
When you experience this for the first time, it can be a crushing emotional blow, leaving you in a depressed state for hours or even days. You may even feel bitter and cheated towards this girl. After all, you devoted a certain amount of time to her, she was hot, she seemed to like you. You were excited at finally getting to the next stage with such a great catch. Maybe you had thoughts of kissing her, fucking her, maybe you even imagined settling down with her, having kids and getting old together.
This happens to everybody at the beginning, to a greater or lesser extent. We’re conditioned for years through films, TV, literature, school, parents and peers to think that the aim in life is to get an education, find a good job, look for and find “the one” special girl, marry her and have kids. This is all well and good if you want to be a sheep, but we all know what happens to sheep.
They get slaughtered.
I’m not going to go into whether getting married and having kids is a good thing or not in this post as it’s a whole other topic altogether. The point is, that once you’re approaching girls, getting numbers and going on dates, the more this facade that the world has tried to paint over your eyes gets peeled away and you realise that this is not necessarily the best way for you, as an individual to live.
Let’s Get Down to Business
So the reason you feel so down when this girl refuses your date request or fails to reply to text messages is because you have built up a level of expectation based upon lies that have been fed to you in the past. You think that because she talked to you for ten minutes, that she wants to spend the rest of her life with you, or at least suck your dick.
This is not reality. You will learn how girls work and what to expect from them by meeting lots of them and going on many dates. Then you will learn to have no expectations whatsoever. You learn to be outcome independent. You will change your mode of thinking from a goal to process orientated state.
So how do you get from feeling angry and sad about her rejection of you to not feeling anything (or more precisely having no strong emotional connection to the event)?
You have already displayed a level of self-discipline, or mental control by pushing past your Ego to make yourself do that first approach. The more times you go up to a woman that you like and try to seduce her, the more you train your brain and exert more mental control.
When you learn to manage expectations and let go of outcome dependence, you are training yourself to control your emotional state. To grow from a boy to a man, both of these hurdles must be overcome and worked on continuously. This is the reason why although so many guys start the Daygame journey, so few of them actually reach the final stages. They are unable to learn mental and emotional control.
Men are used to exerting mental control, as for thousands years we have disciplined ourselves to break through the pain barrier, work longer and achieve more. In fact society rewards us for this. But, as we are primarily logical beings, learning emotional control is so much more difficult. We don’t even like to think about emotions, let alone have to deal with them on a constant basis. Yet, this is what you will have to do to become better with women.
If you boil it all down, when it comes to being good with women, lack of emotional control ends up being caused by the same thing as mental control.
It’s Your Ego
When you feel sad about being rejected by a girl, it’s because you have placed a lot higher value on her than she has actually earned.
When you are beginning, you are coming from a place of lack of abundance. It’s likely that you have had little or no contact with attractive women for months or years. Then suddenly you are talking to girls hotter than you ever imagined possible. They are even spending ten minutes or more flirting with you and showing interest in you.
Over your lifetime of lack of abundance with women, you have given more and more value to obtaining one. It’s like being stuck in a desert without water. One hour after your water runs out, you’ll be saying:
“I’d give fifty quid for a glass of water.”
After four hours without water, you’ll be saying:
“I’d give a thousand pounds for a glass of water.”
After spending all day in the desert under the hot sun, with your lips cracking, your skin baking and your throat parched, you’ll cry:
“I’d give anything for a drop of water.”
This is how it is with women (and any market for that matter). If we want something enough, the more scarce it is and the higher we value it. When you start meeting women, you think you’re about to be given that lovely looking glass of water, because you are so, so thirsty. But then someone comes along and knocks it out of your hand just as you bring it to your lips. No wonder you feel sad or angry.
So, How Do I Learn Emotional Control?
Well, I’m not going to lie to you. There is no quick fix. It’s a long and hard process of continuous effort. You have to look at a woman, completely ignore her beauty and think to yourself:
“What value does she actually have to me at this moment in time?”
She may have a nice personality and you may feel a good connection with her. It may be easy to get on with her and she exudes charm and femininity. But really, what are you getting out of it?
You’re getting validation.
This is where your Ego comes in. If she is spending time with you, she’s fluttering her eyelids and swishing her hair, she’s giving you validation. She’ll probably never say it out loud, but she is sub-communicating:
“I like you.”
Your ego is full to bursting. This is exactly what it wants. You can just hear it in the back of your head shouting:
“Wow, I am a worthwhile human being after all. I know it because this hot chick is telling me so.”
Well, let me tell you something. Kids require validation. They run a race, they make a paper boat, they draw a picture and then they run up to their Mum or Dad and say to them:
“Mummy, Daddy! Look what I did!”
And the parents look at their child with pride and say:
“Good boy, you did so well. We are very proud of you.”
Some people spend their whole lives with this adolescent need of external validation.
But not a man. And more so, not a man who is good with women.
To become this man you need to gradually shift your external locus of validation to an internal locus of validation. You will know that you have achieved this when you no longer seek praise and validation from other people. You value yourself for your accomplishments and you praise yourself when you achieve your goals. You like yourself because you are someone that you respect.
You validate yourself
When you are coming from an internal locus, it does not matter whether the woman is validating you or not. You are simply looking for value. So you really need to look at what is valuable for you in a woman.
For some guys it will be her value as a wife. IE, can she cook? Is she good looking enough for your kids to be beautiful and handsome? Is she intelligent enough for them to be good at school and well-adjusted socially? Does she have the right bodily proportions to bear and feed children?
Some guys will just be looking for lays, in that case it really just matters whether she is beautiful and sexy.
Some guys like me don’t care about kids or marriage but want to have a small harem of women who they can see on a regular basis for a medium to long period of time. In which case, I’d be asking myself: Is she hot? Does she have a good sex drive? Is she submissive? Can she cook? Is she good at giving massages? Does she generally just feel good doing stuff for her man’s comfort and pleasure?
Now you may think:
“But I got her on a date. I’m looking for a lay and she’s hot and sexy. Check, check. 100%. Pass.”
True, but is she delivering this value? Is she giving you what you want? Why do you want this girl to be hot and sexy? Because if she is, fucking her will be a pleasant and enjoyable activity.
Once the girl is delivering her value to you, she becomes valuable to you.
Then and only then can you be sad and cry if you she goes away and you never see her again.
When you think about it this way, everything you are doing from that first approach up until the point that you start to get the value that you require delivered to you doesn’t mean shit.
“Okay, I talked to you and got your number. So what?”
“Okay, we went on a date and had a nice time? So what?”
“Okay, we went on another date and kissed. Hmm. A promise of delivery of value. But not yet. So what?”
“Okay, we went back to my house and fucked. This girl has value to me.”
This may sound like objectification, and maybe in a way it is. But so what? When we get into Game, we’re not doing it to have nice conversations with hot women.
We’re doing it to get laid.
In fact, the more you do Daygame, the less you care about how hot the chick is and the more value you put on things like charm, wit, femininity and intelligence. This is because beautiful women are everywhere. When you are able to meet them all the time, you realise this and start to come from a place of abundance. This takes practice and persistence, but during the learning process things get easier.
You’re no longer sitting across the table from the girl wondering what she thinks of you. You’re wondering how quickly and what methods you can use to get her to deliver value to you.
You’re no longer sitting waiting for a reply to your text message. You’re off doing you own thing and when you eventually get the reply, you just take the next logical step in the process and get back to more important things again.
So to reiterate:
- Work out what you want from spending time with a girl.
- Focus on whether the girl is delivering the value you want from her.
- Ensure that you have an internal locus and only look for self-validation.
This is the key to emotional control.